Sacred Sexuality for Beginners
“You were wild once. Don’t let them tame you.” ~ Isadora Duncan
We want freedom.
We want it in our bodies and in our our sex lives. Why is this important? Because when we are free, we are able to get out of our own way and truly live from a place of courage, resonance, vulnerability and more importantly, truth.
This is essential in experiencing a sacred sex life.
When the programming we receive deviates us from the truth of who we are, we live in a paradigm laden with lack, attachment, codependency and shame. When we are not tapped into our freedom, we are in conflict and contempt with ourselves, our bodies, and in this context, with our ideas about sex. We often connect and relate to the world based on need and filling a void. This is the complete opposite of sacred.
In the best context, sex is something natural and nourishing. It balances and tonifies your nervous system and has numerous other benefits which contribute to the health of your body, mind and soul.
Ideally, we liberate ourselves so we can experience Sex that feeds and nourishes instead of depletes.
What is sacred and what is not sacred.
Sex is the life force and kundalini energy within us that births creation, builds connection and is a portal to tap into the divine.
Sex is sacred. But what makes it so is the energy that you bring to it.
If your experience of it is loaded with desire, hot, steamy, and explosive and is not sweet, tame and innocent, you may question the validity of this sacredness. We’ve been shown and taught that “sacred” equals demure purity. But, sacred sex runs the full gamut. There is making love and there is fucking… Any type of Sex can be sacred.
The only time Sex isn’t sacred is when you are not in alignment with yourself, your sexuality and your own reasons for having sex.
When that is the case, then, no matter how “carnal” it gets, it is also holy.
How to bring the Sacred into your Sex
You are the common denominator in any sexual experience,whether you are by yourself or with a partner.
So, your experiences of sex are up to you. Even when you are with a partner, they can only account for so much. In other words, your partner isn’t the one giving you pleasure or your orgasms; these are gifts youare opening yourself to.
You have to be the one to show up in this way, otherwise you are not available to all that you can experience.
I am not going to give you a list of tantric points to cover, or certain positions to entangle yourself in. I am going to leave that up to you to decide what you choose to experience. What I am going to share are the tenets which I believe are the basis for any sacred sexual experience with yourself or another.
This “recipe” can be applied in your sexual journey with yourself and also can positively impact your relationship with other people.
Safety, trust, surrender, wilderness, adventure and connection. Each element builds on the next.
Do you feel safe? By this I mean, do you feel comfortable feeling uncomfortable, nervous, excited do you shut down?
Are you checked out of your body or are you tuned in?
Checked out of your body means you aren’t fully in the energy and experience of what is to come, it means being numb instead of feeling. It means barriers instead of openness. Honor the present moment and do not engage in sex if you are not feeling safe.
Try to focus on the sensations you are experiencing in the present; how much pressure, what feels good, what doesn’t, etc. You can or not choose to recall good experiences you’ve had during sex, but most importantly tune into yourself, in this moment, right now.
Speak up when it’s necessary and ask for/create whatever adjustments are needed to engage in this energy with safety.
Tuned in means presence and availability. It means connection and oneness with this life force. It means being able to call on the wisdom of your body and soul to delight in sex.
Tune into your body, listen to it, ask it what it wants and let it tell you what it needs/wants and how it wants it.
Do you trust yourself to speak up, share your needs, address any concerns and care for yourself and your body in ways that model love for yourself? To remain in absolute integrity with yourself whether it’s solo sex, a fleeting encounter or with a regular partner?
Cultivating this trust asks you to of you to be courageous and vulnerable in ways that can bring up discomfort or past experiences when trust was abused or misused.
If lack of trust is a barrier to your pleasure, it is something that will show up in your sex life and and is an area to get support on. Working on trust sexually has positive impacts in many other areas of life as well.
As long as you feel safe and you trust yourself or your partner, you will be able to surrender into your sexual experience.
Surrender is loosening the tight grip and letting things flow. It is about giving up control and diving into the unknown. It is about leaping without a net and having faith in the journey you are traveling. It is being flexible and having no expectation.
Be willing to dive in, get wet (haha) and unravel.
“Bow down to the fire in you.” ~ Vinati
Our nature is wild. It has always been so. It is our need to bottle it down for fear of shame that stops us from tapping into this nature. Wildness is not about swinging from the chandeliers. It is about letting your fire burn and come through you. This fire is the currency that fuels the experience. Our wildness bubbles from beneath the surface and when a woman taps into her wildness, be it in the bedroom or in life, there’s no turning back and the whole world will be watching her unfold and unfurl into a creature who lives with desire.
The desire for pleasure.
The desire for love.
The desire for connection.
The desire for desire.
One of our biggest fears for us women and particularly in having sex with men, is that they won’t know what to do with us once we become fully authentic and wild. We fear that we will be ostracized and judged and labeled a slut, a freak, a weirdo.
Let your desire come up fully. Be willing to show up. Let it wash over you and take you over.
Do not attempt to put a lid on your desire for yourself or your partner or try to keep your energy at bay. Let yourself feeeeeel it all fully.
Be open and willing to experiment and have fun!
Be creative and playful.
Try new things and let your partner know what your boundaries and limits are.
The story is not written which means you get to write it as you go along and this is liberating and exhilarating. You get to make up the story as you go along because no one can know how it ends!
“There is peaceful. There is wild. I am both at the same time.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed
You do not need to be in love to have sacred sex although it only makes things better. But, it is paramount that you have connection for you to experience the kind of sex I am talking about here. And by connection, I do not mean filling a void.
For the love of Goddess, don’t use sex to fill the void, whatever that void is.
Instead, use sex as a vehicle to connect. Use it to connect to yourself and your body first and foremost and then to your partner. If you do this, you will have a fuller experience.
Whether it’s with yourself or with someone else, whether you’ve known them 5 minutes, 5 weeks or 5 years (and I have no judgement about where you are in your timeline), know that connection is what will leave you feeling fulfilled instead of feeling empty and drained.
“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Goddess and Sex
When we are safe we unleash, unravel and enter the discovery of our true beingness.
When we are in our beingness we are a conduit for the divine, we are a vessel in which the universe expresses its nature. We embody the nature of creation. This is Goddess, coming alive through us.
When we are in our power, we know exactly what we need and how to draw/call it in. This is Goddess.
When we are present, engaged and in our bodies, we are a force to be reckoned with and this force is not the kind that starts wars, it’s the kind that starts revolutionary movements and literally heals the world around us. This is Goddess.
Goddess finds herself in many realms. In the realm of delicious sex, she does not hold back. She leads and she is present.
Take her lead, let her guide you and embrace Her.
Give yourself time…this is a process. My hope is that you will find the sacred in your sex life and allow yourself to experience the ecstasy and bliss that’s possible for you.