Reclaiming My Voice
I spent years letting go of clutter and learning about how to be a sensitive woman in this life and in society. I learned how to reclaim the lost parts of myself, by peeling back the layers. It was as if, I had buried all the magic and wonder I possessed inside as a child, locked it in a cave somewhere and threw away the key.
As I began healing, I began to reclaim the voice I’d lost along the way.
As a child, I was a natural born singer. I sang all the time and everywhere. I would sing at school, in the car, in restaurants and I felt like a magic unicorn who beamed light! Mom and I would take frequent road trips and to have fun and pass time, we would sing together at the top of our lungs. We’d sing the songs that connected us as mother and daughter.
I loved to sing, not because of attention (I actually felt uncomfortable being the center of attention), but because it is how I released tension, felt joy and felt connected to the world. I sang because it was inherent in my nature to not be quiet and I had a lot of say.
As the sensitive empathic child I was, I started to feel unsafe expressing myself and being seen and I became more shut down from not knowing how to deal with that. I didn’t know how to not absorb stuff from other people and I didn’t know how to shelter and protect my pure and sensitive heart. So I got quiet. Really quiet.
I got quiet as a girl because I learned how unsafe it was to be a girl in her power and how the treatment of the opposite sex was different an unfair. Later on, I gave my power away too easily.
I got quiet because in grade school I was punished for talking during class and diverting my classmates attention off their work.
I got quiet because I would ask questions in class and the teachers would seek to shame or make me feel bad about asking I should already know. I stopped asking questions.
I got quiet because I would call people on their shit and they didn’t like it and then they would leave. I stopped getting close to people.
I got quiet as a singer because I became overweight/obese in subsequent years and I hated my body and how people looked at it. Being seen by others carried a negative connotation because when they did they always commented on my weight. I didn’t really want to be seen as I sang. So I stopped singing.
You get it. I just got quiet.
I learned it was not ok to be who I was.
A woman with a voice is, by definition, a strong woman. – Melinda Gates
I got good at not being the center of attention. I got so good at this, that I began to hide all the bright shiny parts of myself. One of them was my voice. My voice could set me apart, help me feel powerful, transmute stuck feelings and blast through insecurity, but I stopped using it.
In college, I would watch my classmates have the stage time and the courage to get up and sing and express who they were. I remember one time feeling so inspired I almost got on stage with them, but didn’t. Instead, I sat in my chair and felt disdain for my shyness and lack of courage. It was so obvious during this long stretch of time that I was a closeted singer and artist and all I wanted to do was to let her out. But I truly didn’t know how.
I remember being in Voice & Movement class (I was a theatre major) and the teacher asked us to prepare a song for class and I couldn’t look at anyone because I hated being seen and so I sang to the ceiling because I couldn’t connect, it was too scary. My voice sounded fine but I couldn’t hold the feeling of expression in my body without wanting to hide.
As I began to heal in my emotional life and let go of all those layers of unprocessed stuff, I found this spark of courage in me and sure enough, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
I found a voice teacher who offered holistic singing classes as a vehicle for healing. His venture was called Living Your Voice and the workshop I took was called Joyful Singing 101. It was a group of people who wanted to sing not necessarily for performance but also for healing, for expression and for joy. There were some who wanted to perfect technique, I wanted to do was to get comfortable singing in front of people. And so I took the first workshop and the 2nd and I kept on going.
In this intimate and safe group of people, I would find a soul family of people who literally watched me become myself again. They watched and held space for me as I truly let myself come out of the quiet. When I let myself belt out a note and there were butterflies in my belly, they were there with me as I sang through the nerves. I would get emotional and tear up as I sang through lyrics that moved me and reflected where I was. Eventually after a few months of that, I got more comfortable with my group and mustered up the guts to do a solo at one of our showcases. I did one, and then another and I became so enthralled with this process of singing for healing that I helped grow Living Your voice as Tony’s assistant for 4 years alongside my organizing business.
I sang and let myself be seen and it was so powerful!
Speak your mind even if your voice shakes – Maggie Kuhn
This was profound 5th chakra healing at its best and it became evident everywhere in my life.
In my business, I began to offer and teach workshops as I became more comfortable with public speaking and being visible in the world. I got better at having boundaries with clients, and speaking up when needed.
With friends and family, I spoke up in situations with where I wouldn’t have before.
I shared my concerns rather than keeping quiet. I truly used my voice.
Make no mistake, that reclaiming and using my voice was a huge metaphor for telling the world, I am here. I am here. I am not going anywhere and I am going to start letting you see me.
The voice is one of the vehicles through which we claim reclaim our power.
I recently filmed and shared myself singing on camera 2 or 3 times and let me tell you how vulnerable it felt, it felt scary even though I enjoyed it. It is important to get out of our comfort zones and let others see us. It is in this way that we are all one. We all have things that we would prefer to hide, but we become more human when we share our gifts and decide to be visible.
Today, I can’t say that I wouldn’t feel immense discomfort about getting up on stage and singing a song in front of others. I would and I do. Even if it’s karaoke. However, I am more capable of navigating that discomfort than before because I know who I am. I live in my truth and I am ok to be seen.
I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think. – Rumi
Goddess is The Voice
Goddess is not afraid to speak her mind, to share her thinking and to engage in conversation.
She is not afraid to be noticed or to be heard. She is simply THE VOICE through which we can become more of ourselves. She is the voice through which we speak our wisdom. She is not afraid to sing and or be visible.
You can sing, you can speak your truth and you can use this divine voice within. Goddess can lead the way if you invite her in.