“Sex loses all its power and magic when it becomes explicit, mechanical, overdone, when it becomes a mechanistic obsession. It becomes a bore. You have taught us more than anyone I know how wrong it is not to mix it with emotion, hunger, desire, lust, whims, caprices, personal ties, deeper relationships that change its color, flavor, rhythms, intensities.” ~ Anaïs Nin
For so many years, I felt completely disconnected from my body and most probably from heart as well. I knew I could feel things intensely and deeply. I knew I could be empathic and understand life around me but I was not completely connected in mind, body and soul. And whatever measure of connectedness I did have was not integrated or based in wholeness. Now looking back, I knew I could feel my feelings and those of the others around me but, I could not release them fully. I could not let them go and what I felt I absorbed like a sponge and this at some level, manifested in my being unable of embracing my sexuality fully.
Feeling inadequate because of my weight didn’t help the matter either because with this came the intense hatred of my body. If you don’t like your body, if you don’t love it, then how can you embrace your sexual nature which is born from your biology?
Although I was never raised to think that sex was unnatural dirty or, I somehow took that in from the cultural programming around me.
With so many societal distortions and cultural misinformation that we are fed about sex and at a young age, I didn’t quite understand it. Lots of confusion around this topic ensued for me. Attending a private catholic school run by men for 5 years certainly added to the confusion… that is the last place to learn about sex in healthy and non-biased way.
It undoubtedly sells.
As a young child and into my teens, I remember seeing and internalizing the polarizing messaging about sex.
Be sexual because it will get you noticed.
But don’t be too sexual!
Hide your desire.
Don’t talk about pleasure.
Like your body only if it looks a certain way.
Act like a prude because that is what is acceptable.
Don’t express your sexuality because others will somehow mistreat you if you do.
If you talk about it openly, you might be ostracized or thought of as promiscuous or endure slut shaming or any shaming of the like. (This is also a heaping dose of sexism, but that’s for another blog.)
“You can’t talk about fucking in America, people say you’re dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that’s cool.” ~ Richard Pryor
The sexualization and objectification of a woman’s body is pervasive and entrenched in this societal paradigm. Jokes are made about our sexual body parts. These body parts are then treated like they define us; and we give in to this identity, causing disconnection from our bodies. For many, pornography has become the standard for sexual intimacy. The whole fucking thing (pun intended) has become a great big mess.
The attention I received as young girl in regards to my body was the crux of it all.
I would be cat-called with vulgar language by construction workers or other men as I walked along the streets. It started when I was a pre-teen and not fully developed. As I crossed over into teendom and then womanhood, this unwanted attention continued and made me increasingly uncomfortable. Being overweight was even more confusing because I was fed the notion that, because I was not thin, I was not valuable or beautiful… and yet my body continued to be objectified like a piece of meat.
This happens to us all the time, over and over, no matter what age we are and where we are. No matter what we look like. A simple glance with the wrong energy makes us feel uncomfortable and at times, very unsafe.
All this made me feel ashamed of my body, and I wanted to hide. Needless to say, being treated as an object didn’t make me feel “sexy”.
Hiding the sexuality I did have and Releasing shame
I officially learned about masturbation in my early teens, on TV thanks to MTV’s Sex in the 90s, an educational series about all things sex. It was liberating to learn that it was ok and natural to touch yourself as a way to learn about your body and sexuality. And still, it was extremely difficult for me to feel that anything sexual was ok.
I broached the subject to my mother, fearing she would judge me. Instead, she spoke openly about it (one of the many reasons why I love my mother so much). I will never forget what she had to say. She said “sweetheart, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s perfectly natural, healthy and it is yours. Keep it private.” She never taught me to be ashamed of it or my body. Yet, even after this, I still wasn’t convinced sex was safe.
When I masturbated, I could not do it without feeling some form of internalized shame. I could give myself a lightning-fast-2-second-orgasm under the covers, with the blinds drawn and in the dark. I discussed it with no one and if I did, I would feel awkward and extremely uncomfortable at the mere mention of something so normal.
Later on, in the relationships I was in, my sexual experiences with men were so lacking, filled with dissatisfaction, discomfort and emptiness perhaps because of all this programming I’d carried around about sex and pleasure. I didn’t have the right tools to ask for what I needed and the men that showed up in my life served to reflect of how little I loved myself.
Here’s the truth: Everybody does it, whether they talk about it or not, whether they are comfortable or not. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of for the desire to know your body intimately or experience pleasure.
I say this all the time out loud and I will say it here. There is a lack of meaningful conversation in this world about sex. A topic that is so natural, so abused, so misunderstood; sex is where we all came from, something that most of us deeply desire….
“We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
This is why I am talking about it now. I am fed up with sex or anything related to it being taboo or too something for others to handle. This is where the distortion, shame, and misinformation begin. By not talking about it openly. It only gets worse.
Fuck that. We are all sexual beings and we can embrace this divine energy within us fully.
Making the decision to reclaim sex
I have mentioned how much I struggled with being overweight, dealing body dysmorphia and shame, and the inability to love and accept myself because of it all. It took many years of internal work and healing to get me to the point I am now. I came through this cycle and crossed over to the other side of it into acceptance, fierce self-love and wholeness.
Crossing over to this other side was an arduous process.
Between 2013 and 2015 I went through a huge and epic awakening. The Universe emptied me out and it did it well. I had to confront and break down every single part of myself and my life that didn’t serve me anymore. I was led into this paradigm shift because I could no longer live in denial of who I was or was meant to be.
This alchemical process spilled into my dating life, of course. I’d been on a dating hiatus for a number of years and after enough of that, I did some major exploring and self-inquiry about what I thought about men, relationships, dating, sex, etc.. And I remember specifically saying out loud to a dear friend “I am ready to figure this out and reclaim this territory for good”. I decided to get serious about transforming my relationship with my body, desire and with sex.
I consciously invited movement in that area of my life, and 3 weeks after that invitation, I quickly met someone. That connection was quite turbulent and unbalanced for me and ultimately did not work out.
That summer, this guy was away on vacation and we were done/not done/on hold/not on hold… (you get it). Because I was literally emptying out all this emotional baggage everywhere in my life, I felt quite empty during this process. While he was away, one of my most notable moments came…
The day the orgasm changed me
One morning, I began to touch myself in a way that I never had before. I began to touch myself as if I desired myself the way another would desire me.
In times past, I’d needed some sort of mental stimulation to get me going. This time, I didn’t. It was almost as if someone else inside of me was directing this process.
I tuned into my body. I thought of no one except myself. No guy, no sexy song or imagery came into my mind. It was just me, my body and the morning light.
And what happened after was miraculous.
That morning, my solo pleasure session was different than anything I’d ever experienced before, alone or with a man. It was long, sensual, building in intensity and nourishing. At one point as I was building towards climax, I felt a fire and heat rise from the balls of my feet, up my legs and explode into my pelvic area into the most amazing orgasm I’d ever had. Fire in the balls of feet? What the fuck? Where did this come from? The life force that I’d not been able to access before was there and it was there in spades. It was inside of me, and it was mine.
That evening, I went to a concert with 2 friends and I felt different somehow. I wore a black dress. I felt so good in my body, like never before and I also felt people reacting to me differently than before. I was on fire.
The next day, I went to my first—and to this day, my only—Kundalini yoga class. This type of yoga is quite intense in breathwork. The instructor took us through a number of a number of kriyas. So lots of breathwork meant that energy was flowing through my body and it was intense intense intense. And the next morning, the proof was there again in my next orgasm. Longer and more intense than the out-of-this-world one I’d had the day before.
And so the sexual awakening began.
“Some of us are not born into our wildness. We grow into it.” ~ Sheleana Aiyana
Awakening into pleasure
I continued pleasuring myself every morning for a few weeks and sometimes twice a day because the energy was flowing through me like an abundant river.
It was not addictive. It was healing and nourishing. The more I pleasured myself, the more I fed my previously unloved body. The more I fed my body, the more connected I felt. The more connected I felt, the more I loved my body in the size it was, in the state it was and the way it was without wishing it was different. I started to look at myself naked in the mirror and love what I saw, without focusing on all of my flaws. I started to delight in the beauty of who I was. I fell in love with my body and it was over and beyond wanting looking good.
The dark moments of this epic awakening did indeed continue for months after that summer and this practice of self-love is part of what saved me and let me come home to myself in every way possible. I was able to connect to this body, stay in it and feel everything it wanted me to feel. Pleasant or unpleasant. I broke down walls that had been up for years and at some point later on, I began to bloom and feel freer than ever before.
“For the aphroditic woman, her spiritual life, or, as Jung would say, her ‘individuation,’ might be linked to her sexual life. For this type of woman, sexual encounter is the most profound of human experiences, a revelation of her own depths. It is therefore not only a source of joy but also a path of inner knowledge.” ~ Ginette Paris, Aphrodite’s Daughters
I found my sexuality, my desire, my pleasure and the self-love I’d been looking for, on my own. The sexual energy exploded and it nourished me and it had nothing to do with another person.
With no man by my side and no guide to show me how to do it this way. Somehow my body guided me to what needed to happen so it could heal. all. the. way.
The skin I lived in from then on was one who owned her beauty and her sexuality. The skin I lived in, as told to me by a mentor was “a fiery, passionate, fuckable, hungry, lioness woman.” Without feeling dirty or ashamed or the need to hide whatever expression wanted to pour out of me.
A mentor of mine once told me “I am in charge of my sexual energy and of who, where and when I engage in this energy.” I resonate with this very much.
There is a point in a woman’s life, where hopefully, she can own herself, her body and her sexual energy. I didn’t until much later than some. I had no container for this energy. It was interesting to notice, that I once I understood it, owned it and expressed it comfortably, men stopped giving me creepy, unwanted attention like before. Because it wasn’t theirs to begin with. It was mine and no one can take what is yours.
Sharing sexuality with another
As I started to embody this energy and live it in my body and in my life, things started to shift dramatically for me. I entered into a relationship with a man who I felt safe and comfortable with exploring my sexuality after this awakening.
I can safely say that this embodiment was miraculous and when it came time to share this level of sexuality with another, it was exquisite. Because when you know yourself and you know your body, the capacity that you have to share this with another human expands and what becomes of it is unparalleled and sacred.
Because I was finally able to love myself, the time I spent with this lover was an amazing and intimate experience that I will cherish for years to come. There was safety, emotional intelligence, lots of communication, ease, lots of intimacy and more importantly, lots of fun!
Reclaiming sex is important because it is another level of freedom. Freedom in the body and mind and spirit. Sex is holy.
It was in this process of self-discovery that I began to hear and meet the Goddess within.
Goddess does not live in shame or denial of who she is. And she most certainly does not shun sex.
Once I unleashed this part of Her, She began to manifest in many ways and show me the miracle of embodiment in all other areas of my life. She led me over and over again into wholeness and union within myself.
Goddess calls us to reclaim all the lost parts of ourselves so we can become who we were always meant to be: an expression of the Divine Feminine energy of life.
Call on your goddess in sex and in life and she will show you the way home.