Living In the Void
“Honor the space between no longer and not yet” ~ Nancy Levin
The dark night of the soul cracked me open. It left me completely empty to be reborn anew. Now my Soul could truly be the driving force in my life except before this could truly happen, I had to deal with the aftermath of going through this initiation.
I had to learn to live in the Void.
In the Void, the unserving parts of you are gone. You are not who you used to be, you don’t know who you are anymore, and yet your purest essence is waiting to bloom, be expressed and pour out of you. It’s just not time quite yet.
The void is the bleak, blank canvas part of this alchemical journey.
People, patterns, habits and things that were previously present in your life have fallen away and you wonder how to connect to the world around you, as this you that you are now.
Everything feels different and strange. It feels still and quiet in a way that is at times unnerving and yet things are happening in the background that you can’t see yet.
So there I sat. Wondering, waiting. Unable to live as I had before and completely in the dark about what to do next.
Patience has nothing to do with waiting. Patience is about understanding the right moment for action and the right moment for stillness. – Alberto Villoldo
By now I was in between the dark night and the void. Somewhat entrenched and in and out of both.
A romantic relationship was slowly developing and it was interesting to notice how different he was from the 2 that came closely before him. He didn’t need me like the others did.
At this point the Contemporary Goddess idea had been in my mind for a year but it was not time to birth her yet. I was still learning to stand on solid ground and figure out who I was before reinventing myself.
How would I rebuild? What would I build or do?
I was still helping people get uncluttered yet the types of clients that I was working with were also changing because as I became more of myself, different kinds of people starting resonating with me even in my business.
Whatever intuitive and psychic abilities I’d had were now developed and on fire like never before. I would see things and not know what they meant and then later start to see proof that everything I saw and felt, was indeed not a figment of my imagination. I started confiding in a few people who knew me well, and sharing with them what I kept seeing and when I would report back to the them that most of what I saw became reality, I knew I wasn’t crazy. I knew I could start truly trusting my intuition and my seeing.
I knew that I was close to breaking through the dark ceiling of this abyss but there needed to be some sort of catalyst to get me out of it.
Diving out of the Abyss and into Surrender
A few weeks after my 36th birthday, I decided to jump out of an airplane and go skydiving. And even though sometimes I can come across somewhat hesitant to new things, I consider myself quite adventurous and courageous. Never having been a thrill seeker or an adrenaline junkie, I surprised even myself. Strangely, I had no fear if I lived or died even though I was not numb. I was just empty.
I sat at the skydive hangar with my friend for about 6 hours until they were ready for us. Even these 6 hours were a metaphor for the void I was in. Waiting, and more waiting. As we waited I kept checking in with myself to see if I wanted to back out. Nope. Was I scared? Nope. Was I still going to do it? Yes. Whywas I doing this? All I can recall is, it felt like the next right step. It’s what I was guided to do.
Out of the airplane I jumped. At 14,000 feet and free-falling at a 100 mph.
I consciously used this experience literally and metaphorically to jump out of the abyss and into the unknown. As I jumped into the air, I was not in control. I was falling and in the leap, I surrendered so much that I had to trust the Universe would catch me as I landed on safe ground and thereafter.
Another month later, I was in bed unable to walk because, with this skydive and unbeknownst to me, I had re-herniated the bulging disc in my lower back area. Bedridden and unable to walk, with sciatica pain shooting down my into my leg for over a month. I waited more in this void. It was excruciating.
I have heard from others who’ve gone through a dark night, that even in the void there are still shifts and changes occurring in the body to help stabilize and anchor in the new energy that will come.
I healed and got better, and things started to happen and fast.
I got back to my still-wobbly new life. I remember how work felt different, clients felt different, and I felt different. During my dark night, I didn’t have a lot of clients or hardly any income coming in and that was very challenging for me. The amount of time and energy it took to burn everything down didn’t allow for more than what came and I had to be ok with that. It was scary.
As I was no longer able or willing to carry what didn’t serve me, be it people, thoughts, beliefs, or possessions, my life was in essence a blank slate.
My life was now based on learning to read the Universe.
The divine feminine energy that permeates this earth is my guiding force. She is Goddess and now my Soul is now driving and in charge.
I have to get out of the way and be aligned enough, clear enough, and open enough to hear what the next step is, whether it’s tomorrow or in two months. I watch for the signs and I listen for the guidance to take the right actions that serve me for my highest good and not for my ego.
After the void comes the light. Thank Goddess! The blooming and the rising of all you are and will be, begins now.
You’ve seen my descent. Now watch my rising.” ~ Rumi