I Found Home Inside & Out
“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth – not going all the way and not starting.” ~ The Buddha
After the 2 years it took to navigate my dark night of the soul and living in the void, I was quite unsure how my life would look from that point onward. I’d been emptied out and willing, open and ready to hear the guidance on what to do next.
How life was different.
After all the struggle, all the darkness, all the waiting and wondering I experienced, I was light as a feather. I was glowing and radiating light from the inside out. People everywhere noticed this. I went from doing to being. This meant that whatever I did do was Sourced from a different place within me. My doing no longer came from forceful action directed by my ego but instead, it came from aligned and right action because my Higher Self was now in charge and my soul was directing my process.
I got out of my own way enough to be available to what life wanted from me.
Everything that happened from that time forward came from guidance. I was connected to everything and everyone at a level I had never known before. Trees were no longer just trees, they were healers. People were no longer just people, they were soulfamily (or not).
“I am blooming form the wound where I once bled” ~ Rune Lazuli
Because I was available, miracles began to happen everywhere in my life. Things began to unfold with ease and effortlessness coupled with embodied joy, gratitude and humility. The latter part of 2015 and all of 2016 was the best of life I’d experienced up until that point, ever and it was amazing and magical.
Visibility was my mantra for 2016 and permeated everything I did in life.
Even with all this, I still experienced some very sad and challenging times between loss of friends, my relationship and the loss of my sweet dog. I am still human, after all… but through all the ups and downs, I remained available to (and listened to) the guidance of The Goddess.
How I navigate life now
How I relate to everything and everyone now is based on alignment. When I am out of alignment, I know exactly what that looks and feels like and I quickly get still and listen.
I am in touch with the part of me that was dormant and caged for most of my life. Living from this space is a completely different paradigm.
I no longer try to make anything happen. I now let things unfold. I receive guidance in the form of signs, thoughts, visions and energetic downloads and imprints that guide me what to do next.
There is no plan for how life wants to unfold. There is just following the guidance that is given to me, because now, I can hear it.
Some of that guidance took me by surprise.
I had dreamed of living in Europe since becoming an entrepreneur almost 10 years ago. After my spiritual crisis/awakening/death/rebirth/dark night of the soul/ happened in 2013-2015, I had given up on the idea of moving out of Houston… not because I lacked the faith that was possible, but because part of what happens when you go through such an intense process like that is that you learn to accept what the Universe/Life/Spirit wants from you. You learn the divine timing in everything and you stop resisting your current circumstances and I did that.
I just let it go. I stopped wondering when I’d leave Houston and I just kept building the life here that felt as good as possible.
In the summer of 2016, I returned to Portugal on vacation after leaving in 2013 following my 5-month sabbatical there.
I had some intuition that this vacation might be a precursor to moving there, but also felt a lot of resistance to that idea because in many ways, my sabbatical did not unfold in the ways I wanted it to at the time. Looking back, of course everything served a purpose. I needed to return to Houston for a number of reasons, both spiritual and practical.
But, while in Portugal this time, it became clear that—although I believe home is wherever the heart is and it is mostly not tethered to geography—my heart really belongs in this place.
I had to be really at home within myself to clearly hear (and trust) that whisper.
I returned from my vacation, rested and fulfilled. Immediately upon arriving home, I started to feel the winds of change (because this being intuitive stuff brings feelings like these) and it kept building. And the whisper became “the call”.
You know the call.
The voice that won’t let you off the hook at night or in the shower. The voice of your wisest self. The one you sometimes can’t or don’t want to listen to… Not the ego, but the inner voice, the wisdom, higher power, the ALL-That-Is, THAT VOICE. The one that wants to lead you if you let it.
There was nothing wrong with my life in Houston. In fact, everything there was wonderful and the best it’s ever been. And it was still time to go. It feels like Seinfeld who went off the air at the top of his game. I left at a good point in my life, because I know that if I have built a full life (having gone through all I went through), then I can take all the good from that and start over anywhere.
This is what it means to be at home with yourself.
Of course, it made me nervous to be starting over… I’m not just moving where I live, I am also leaving behind an entire iteration of my business/career.
But there were many, many signs over the next 6 weeks about this being the right timing and thing for me to do…
On September 10, I chose to leave in Jan/Feb 2017. The minute I did this, Lucy – my beloved dog who was already sick – became very ill 3 days later and 4 days later she was put to sleep to end her suffering. She was waiting on me to get my ass in gear, decide fully and commit to being “all in”, and once I did, she let me know it was her time to leave. It was a terribly sad confirmation and release, helping free me to move in the direction I needed to go.
As I’ve settled into my new life here in Portugal, I realize just how much I have come home to myself. There is no man, no amount of money, no accolade, no friend who could fulfill me in the ways I know and love myself. Anything on top of this fierce self-love such as friendship, romance, professional fulfillment, and prosperity is luscious icing on the cake. It’s a blessing and a gift and my Goddess cup runneth over…I am so so grateful.
I will be teaching in English and Portuguese and my offerings will include workshops in person in Porto and Lisbon and 2-4 day retreats in nature. I will coach, offer guidance, intuitive readings, and do private sessions; all online. For now I see this mostly for women but men are always welcome and I know and see at some point I will be offering these things specifically tailored to men as it is one of my gifts to reach men.
I’m going to help people liberate their minds, hearts and bodies from what binds them so they can be present and ready to their fullest potential. My journey has not been for me alone…
I’ll be sharing about how to create a full wild life, let go of clutter at all levels, how to successfully navigate discomfort, how to make peace with sex and the body and how to connect with other people and listen deeply.
While I plan on it being a permanent move and hope to build a beautiful life here, who knows if it won’t be a starting point for another move? If so then so be it. I am flexible. For now and from what I can “see” it is permanent. This time I will not be trying it out. I am fully IN.
For the first time since 1997, I’m not going to have a car. Good, because I love living in a walking city and the freedom and bliss that provides. Sad because I loved my car, I love driving and am going to miss my amazing therapeutic car time. I will have another one eventually and be able to drive here and there to satisfy my desire for driving. But the human in me wants to know…..Who’s gonna teach me to drive a fucking stick shift?
The amazing part? I now live in the land of daily fresh fish, beautiful castles, amazing coffee and yummy fluffy croissants, history, and so much culture.
My heart beats for humanity in all-encompassing ways and I will stop at nothing to contribute to ending of the mindless suffering of others. I will do so while still keeping my shit together and being a good human.
I will not attempt to save or fix anyone ever again, because boy, did I learn that shit the hard way! But I will remind people of who they are and I will hold space for their evolution to unfold. It’s all we can ever do, is to truly witness someone’s process. We can’t and shouldn’t stop them from learning what they need to learn or save or fix them because they already have everything they need on the inside.
You, too, can find home, both inside and out. May you do so and find flow with the magic of life as the embodied Soul you are.
“Don’t you know yet? It is your Light that lights the worlds.” ~ Rumi